In light of the recent shooting, a friend of mine shared an article with me about toxic manhood (Shout out to Mohini!). I have placed the link at the bottom of this page, but I’ll give a synopsis. The article discusses a phenomenon in our culture in which men base their self-worth on how many women they can have sex with. Well, I hate to break it to you folks, but this isn’t exactly news. Men have been mocked for their lack of sexual experience and lauded for their sexual escapades for years. Outside of certain religious/spiritual environments, a man is usually looked at funny if he is a virgin well into his twenties. Movies like 40 Year Old Virgin emphasize that a sexually inexperienced man is a source of comic relief; not just a sexually inexperienced man. The pressure is on men to get out there and get laid. This is a pressure that every man endures. It’s also a pressure that we put on ourselves.
So how do we respond to that pressure? We go out in search of our manhood. We go to bars trying to pick up women every weekend. We study pick up artists by reading their books and listening to their YouTube tutorials. We learn everything that anyone can tell us about how to get laid. We learn that if we have enough money and social status, we will attract women. We learn that if we’re in great shape, we will attract women. We learn that if we open, neg, kino, and escalate, we will attract women. There is an entire (lucrative) industry that teaches men how to attract as many women as possible, and men are emptying the shelves. After all, if we don’t learn how to do this, we are not men.
There are a few problems that I have with this mentality as a whole. I’ll break down why, but I want to preface it by saying I have been guilty of everything I just listed above; drawing the line at taking home a woman when she was drunk(no rapes on my conscience, thank you). It took me a while to wake up and grow up, but now that I have, I can honestly say that basing your manhood on how well you attract women is not the way to go. In fact, it’s quite unmanly. Here’s the break down.
First, if you base your manhood on how many women you can pick up, you’re standing on unstable ground. A woman chooses her mate, and you can’t make her sleep with you without committing a felony. You’re basing your manhood on something that you cannot control. However, that does not stop certain men from trying. When a woman rejects them, subsequently rejecting their identity as a man, some react with anger; they scream, they curse, they call her names. Sometimes they react with sadness; they sulk, they get drunk, they go home and mull over what they did wrong. In extreme cases, they start to hate women; calling them all sluts, goldiggers, and manipulators. They blame women for their shortcomings outwardly, but inwardly they blame themselves. They blame themselves for not being man enough to pick up women and get laid. They blame themselves for not fitting a standard that society has presented to them and that they have bought into without questioning.
Well, I have a question in response to this standard. Why are you looking for your validation as a man between the legs of a woman; legs that she doesn’t have to open unless she chooses to do so? This is the wrong place to look. Think of all of the great men in our history; Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Winston Churchill, John F. Kennedy, Gandhi. Think of the fictitious stories describing the archetypes of great heroic men; Superman, Batman, Hercules. Think of the innovators who were geniuses at their craft; Albert Einstein, Michael Jordan, Mark Twain, Muhammad Ali, John Steinbeck, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Lee.
Yes, some of these men slept with a lot of women in their lives, but when anyone asks what made these men great, it wasn’t their ability to attract women. It was Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream Speech.” It was Gandhi’s unrelenting resolve. It was Michael Jordan’s killer instinct and indomitable will to win (plus his flawless fade-away). It was Mark Twain’s satire that was well ahead of his time. It was Superman’s amazing strength combined with his moral code. It was Muhammad Ali’s unflinching confidence, incredible work ethic, and immovable faith as a conscientious objector in the face of public ridicule. Hey, people have worshiped Jesus Christ for over two thousand years, and NOBODY talks about his ability to attract women. At the end of the day, great men leave a legacy, and that legacy has nothing to do with how many women they’ve screwed. Their legacy has everything to do with what they worked hard to achieve for themselves and the world around them. Stop looking for your manhood inside the walls of a vagina. You won’t find it there. No great man ever has.
Second, remember when I said that you can’t make a woman sleep with you? Guess what, when you’re a great man, you don’t have to. She will come to you willingly because she knows greatness when she sees it. If you’re dealing with a great woman, she will approach you because she has finally met her equal. A queen always comes to her king. She only expects her servants to come to her on her schedule, and she only expects the court jester to entertain her.
When you scramble to pick up a girl from a bar, or you work really hard to impress her enough to get her phone number, which role do you think you’re playing? You’re certainly no king. You’re actually the court jester. The queen laughs at the court jester. She claps. She doles out measured amounts of approval. She smiles as long as the jester continues with his show and dance, but if the dance stops before she’s ready, off with his head! He’s expendable, and they both know it.
The court jester’s life depends upon the queen’s approval. He needs a woman to like him in order to survive, so he does whatever is necessary to keep her attention. He uses all kinds of pickup lines and techniques. He tries to challenge her (superficially) and get her to invest in him. He plays the queen’s game and tries to play it just well enough to keep her entertained, and the queen soaks it up. However, when the jester gets tired, she sees him for who he really is; a clown. She then gets bored and dismisses him, or she replaces him with his competitor; another clown vying for the chance to entertain her. This process usually continues until last call on a Saturday night.
This is not the life of a great man, a king. He does not spend his time chasing women. Honestly, he doesn’t have time. He’s too busy making his dreams come true. He’s too busy making his fantasy a reality. He’s too busy living his life to the fullest. He’s too busy for games and approval seeking. He’s too busy because he has the wherewithal to keep his priorities in order and to tolerate nothing that stands in his way. The queen swoons at the king; and not because he’s worked hard enough to prove to her that he’s a man. She has already recognized him as a man long before he had to prove anything. She swoons because she has finally met a great man she can love, and it’s been a long time coming.
You’ll notice that when I named great men, they were all different. You’ll notice that when I described a king, I didn’t give him any particular characteristics. He wasn’t big and muscular. He wasn’t a particular race. He didn’t come from any particular background. He didn’t go to any specific school. He didn’t have a specific career that earns a certain amount of money. He didn’t dress any particular way. He wasn’t perfect either. I can guarantee you that all great men have flaws. Just like very nation is different, so is every king. You are not required to fit a standard that someone else has thrown upon you, and you need to have enough confidence to know that. Otherwise, you’ll never be happy with yourself, and women will not be happy with you.
Stop trying to fit in with society. Stop subscribing to what other people tell you is “alpha male” behavior; an ineffective analogy based on the pack mentality of wolves and wild dogs. Even in the wild, the power of an alpha male does not amount to much. An alpha male wolf with his pack behind him is nothing compared to a lone grizzly bear who is in charge of no one but himself but strong enough to stand on his own two feet to take on all comers. All of history’s greatest men were grizzly bears. They did what they wanted to do, not what society told them. Be strong. Be yourself. Be a king.
My third point is vital. You are a king, but your kingdom is yourself. Your kingdom is not women.
I repeat: YOUR KINGDOM IS YOURSELF. YOUR KINGDOM IS NOT WOMEN.
You have no right to control anything about a woman; not her time, not her money, not her sex. Unless she offers these things to you, they are none of your business, and that goes both ways. Women know this well, and that’s exactly why they reject you when you try to lord over them. You lack the authority to rule her, and she lacks the authority to rule you. You are both equal, sovereign nations.
However, if you rule yourself so well that your kingdom prospers, she will want to partner her nation with yours. When you have learned how to be yourself and rule yourself with confidence, women will come to you. From there, you will have the option of choosing a suitable partner. Some people take that dynamic and turn it into a superiority complex, but it doesn’t make you superior to women at all. It makes you selective, and it makes the woman you choose the right one for you. That’s all.
When you let pick-up artists dictate how you talk to women, you’re not ruling your nation. When you let your “friends” pressure you into sleeping with any woman before you’re ready, you’re not ruling your nation. When you lower yourself to paying for drinks, dinners, cars, and vacations; all because you’re told that’s what it takes for a woman to like you enough to sleep with you, you’re not ruling your nation. You are letting others rule you, and nobody respects that. If women don’t respect you, why should they care if you’re angry, frustrated, or confused? You’re just the court jester, remember? You have already established that you are not here to be respected but to entertain. Your frustration is irrelevant to the queen you serve. You can either change your behavior, or bow down and take it like the clown you’ve decided to become.
When you take home women who are black-out drunk, you’re not ruling your nation. When you “cock-block” and compete with other men for a woman’s attention, you’re not ruling your nation. When you insist on pursuing her when she has done nothing to demonstrate any interest in partnering with you, you’re not ruling your nation. You’re encroaching on other nations. You’re not a king. You’re an unwelcome intruder, and it would behoove you to leave. Don’t come back until you learn to control yourself. Depending on how much damage you’ve done, it may be best that you don’t come back at all.
When you find your passion and work hard at it, you are ruling your nation. When you respect people and command respect in return, you are ruling your nation. When you defend yourself and your loved ones from harm, you are ruling your nation. When you have a set of morals and you stand by them, regardless of their popularity, you are ruling your nation. When you think for yourself and live your life to the fullest by your own standards and purpose, you are ruling your nation. This is the life of a king.
When you’re a king, women don’t play with you because you’re nothing to play with. They don’t stand you up on dates. They don’t talk down to you. They don’t try to make you jealous. They don’t try to manipulate you into competing with other men. If a woman does any of these things to you, she’s treating you like a court jester, and she expects you to dance at her whim. Instead of throwing a fit over it, instead of hating all women, simply leave her where she stands. She is not your queen, and if you’re a smart king, she never will be.
When you’re a king, women don’t avoid you. They don’t duck your phone calls and texts. They don’t insist on only meeting you in a group instead of a date like you had originally asked. They don’t ignore you in the street. When you’re a king, a queen wants to be around you. A queen feels safe around you. If she doesn’t, it’s best that you move on. Any further action might result in a conflict that you don’t need. Behave like a proper king and respect the sovereignty of another kingdom by leaving it alone.
When you’re a king, your queen is excited to see you. She smiles when you walk into the room. She wraps her arms around you and kisses you. She holds your hand in public. She places her hand on your chest when you take pictures. She desires you and wants to have sex with you. I’m not saying that your relationship won’t have issues or rough patches, but if you are a king you will have a queen who is willing to stick with you through it because she’s honest and loyal to you. That’s something that pick-up artists don’t really teach you, but it’s a truth that every happy couple knows.
If you think this is fantasy land, it’s not. Instead, it is very possible that you have been approaching women the wrong way, dating the wrong women(assuming you get the date), and doing it all for the wrong reasons. Your frustrated efforts have made you bitter, cynical, and hateful towards women in general. When you are a king, this is no longer a problem. When you are a king, you only have room for a good life and good people who support your dreams and treat you with respect. Any woman who does not fit that description need not apply. A woman who does deserves your loyalty, respect, and support in return, and that’s not up for discussion.
If any of that flew by you, I can sum it up in one simple sentence. Instead of focusing on sleeping with women, focus on BEING A GREAT MAN AND BEING A GREAT MAN YOUR WAY.
This is a much more positive outlook on manhood, and I’m writing this for all of you as well as myself because I think we all have to learn it. In the face of today’s culture, it’s not easy. That boy(not a man) who decided to shoot people because women didn’t sleep with him is not alone. He just happened to make the news. At one point or another, we’re all taught to think the way he thought, and as a result, we live in a culture full of clowns who throw fits when their queens don’t sleep with them. However, society’s pressure is no excuse; not for a king. I challenge you to think for yourself. I challenge you to be a king and rule your nation to prosperity. When you do, your queen will happily stand by your side.
Rule well, my friends.
P.S. As promised, here is the link: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/05/elliot-rodger-price-toxic-masculinity/