“These Hoes Ain’t Loyal”: Why some men say it, and why it isn’t true.

These hoes ain’t loyal. Unless you have been living in seclusion for the past year, you have heard this phrase before. It’s a problematic phrase for a few reasons. It calls women “hoes.” It implies that they cannot be trusted. It implies that they are selfish. It implies that a man would be a fool to put his trust in a woman. This phrase sends a clear message to all the men out there. It is stupid to love a woman because “these hoes ain’t loyal.” Therefore, we as men must use them before they use us.

Some women might say that if a man utters this phrase, he never had any respect for women to begin with; that he’s a misogynistic pig. They will argue that if a man believes this phrase, he will use it as an excuse to mistreat women. He will blame the victim when he lies, cheats, and manipulates the women in his life. He will use it as an excuse to fuel his sexist agenda. Further, he will only use it to degrade a woman who leaves him for a better man. Therefore, this phrase must be attacked and eliminated before it hurts countless women worldwide.

Fortunately, both sides of this argument are equally wrong. The problem with the “hoes ain’t loyal” philosophy is that it is not only degrading, but over-inclusive. It is no different from a woman saying that all men want is sex. By using this phrase, men are throwing the baby out with the bath water and damaging whatever positive relationships they’ve had with women in the process. The problem with attacking all men who use this phrase (instead of the phrase itself) is that all of them don’t have an agenda to keep women down. Much like “the friendzone” (see my previous post, Friendzone Revamped), the wording of this phrase is an ineffective method of describing a real problem in our relationships today.

I refuse to agree with the statement that “these hoes ain’t loyal.” It is offensive to women, and it insults to my intelligence as a man. However, I believe that most men who use this phrase are not using it to maintain the superiority of the man in our society. They’re saying it to protect themselves and other men from a type of selfishness that I have seen all too often. In order to bridge the gap and aid both genders, I propose that we drop this phrase altogether. Instead, we should narrow this problem down to a certain type of woman. Instead of calling her a hoe, I’m going to name her Delilah for the purposes of a story that illustrates the kind of toxic experience that many men fear will happen to them if they trust a woman. My story will also demonstrate why mistrusting women in general is not the answer.

Delilah is a twenty-five year old Seattle native who recently earned her MBA from Harvard Business School, graduating with high honors. She is tall with olive skin, jet black hair, blue eyes, a white smile, and a pair of legs that could stop traffic. On top of that, her resume was a thing of beauty. Everything about Delilah screamed future success; except one thing of course. The job market sucked, and it was hard to find work.

Living in Boston was expensive, but Delilah found a way to get by as a bartender in a local pub. She used her smile and charm to get lots of loyal customers, but there was one customer in particular who had her interest. His name was Samson, and he was a law student who clerked for a medium-sized firm in Downtown Boston. He was tall, dark, and handsome, but he was broke. Delilah wanted a man with a lot more money, but she could never seem to meet one who was single.

However, Samson looked promising. With a law degree and the right connections, he could be the man of her dreams; or at least lead her to him. So when Samson ordered his drink, Delilah slipped him her phone number. Samson called her a couple days later, and they had their first date; an expensive dinner that really broke Samson’s pockets. After all, with a woman as fine as Delilah, you have to break the bank to impress her. That was what Samson told himself.

After about three months of dating, Delilah grew impatient. She asked Samson how his job search was going, and he always gave the same answer. He was trying, but nothing had popped up yet. Delilah enjoyed her time with Samson, but she was contemplating leaving him. While he remained jobless, she could be dating someone else with more money and status. A woman as beautiful and talented as Delilah deserved that kind of man. That’s what she told herself as she prepared to break up with Samson, but she figured she would ask him one more time:

“How’s the job search going?” Delilah asked as they sat on the futon in his studio apartment.

“Well, I have a dinner coming up,” Samson replied. “There should be some big business there. I’ll have to network.”

“Do you know anyone at the dinner?”

“Well, sure-”

“Who?” Delilah asked as she sat up. “Who do you know?”

“Well, one guy’s a friend of my boss,” Samson yawned. “He’s a big executive for Bank of America in Chicago.”

“Need a date?” Delilah asked. “You need a date. You can’t walk in there without someone on your arm. It’ll look bad. You need to stick out. I can help you stick out.”

“Hey, why not?” Samson said with a shrug.

Samson was a brilliant law clerk, but he wasn’t very smart when it came to women. Had he known better, his alarms would have gone off when Delilah insisted on being his date. Had he known better, he would not have brought up the dinner at all, let alone brought her along. He had a bad feeling when Delilah showed up at his apartment wearing a shiny red dress and asking probing questions about the big executive; what he did, what he looked like. He had a bad feeling when they arrived at the dinner, and she constantly asked him where the big executive for Bank of America was, but he paid it no mind.

When Samson finally introduced himself to Jeff the Executive, a tall, blonde male with a flashy smile, he took his card, and shook his hand. After that, all Samson could think about was a possible job. He didn’t notice that Delilah stayed behind to talk to Jeff when he went to the bathroom. He didn’t notice how close Delilah was standing in front of Jeff; how much she smiled and played with her hair. He didn’t notice that it took her forty-five minutes to get back to their table before dinner was served. Samson also didn’t notice how distant Delilah was the rest of the night. He didn’t notice her constantly texting and looking over her shoulder at Jeff the Executive’s table.

After dinner, Delilah wanted to go home by herself. Samson thought it was odd, but he respected her decision. He went back to his place alone but with a smile on his face. He was going to call Jeff the Executive tomorrow and set up an interview. He was going to play his cards right and set up a job for after graduation. That was what Samson told himself as he went to bed by himself for the first time in months.

Unfortunately, Samson didn’t get the interview, but he vowed to improve his resume and try again. He expected more encouragement from Delilah when he broke the news to her. Instead, she broke up with him. When Samson asked why she was leaving, Delilah said that it wasn’t working out. She said that she had to move back home with her parents in Seattle until she found a job. She said it would be pointless to maintain such a long distance relationship and that Samson should be free to date other people. She said that it was only fair to him that they break up and that she didn’t want to hold him down. Samson couldn’t help but agree with Delilah’s selfless speech (not that it would have mattered if he agreed or not). When Samson tried to hug her good-bye, she patted his shoulder and walked away without looking back. Delilah disappeared, and Samson never saw her in Boston again.

Samson had to move back home after graduation. He went back to his parents’ house in Chicago and took the Illinois bar exam. He worked as a bartender at a high-end bar in the wealthy River North neighborhood to save up some money while he searched for legal jobs. None of them stuck. As he mixed drinks and broke up fights to pay his student loans, Samson wondered how Delilah was doing in Seattle, but he put it behind him. It had been a year since he last saw her, and she was probably doing fine. Whatever she was doing, he hoped that she was happy.

Boy was Samson shocked to spot Delilah walking into the bar one night wearing a black short dress. When their eyes met, she flinched and lowered her head. Samson frowned. She was ignoring him? Why would she do that? Samson’s heart sunk into his stomach when he saw Jeff the Executive walk into the bar. Jeff kissed Delilah before wrapping his arm around her neck and walking her to her seat. As he watched from the bar, he saw a group of women walk in and scream as they hugged Delilah around the neck. Delilah smiled and flashed a wedding ring as she danced with her girlfriends. It took every ounce of Samson’s restraint to not cause a scene as he served them drinks. When he confided in one of the bouncers about Delilah, the bouncer shook his head and told him:

“Hey man, I told you. These hoes ain’t loyal.”

I’m going to stop this tragic story here for a moment and say that Delilah does not represent all women, but her behavior is too common. In fact, I bet some of you readers know exactly what happened, but I’ll spell it out for those of you who don’t. Unbeknownst to Samson, Delilah never liked him all that much. Sure, he was cute, but he was just a law clerk. Delilah wanted the high-status, socially acceptable, alpha male(see my previous post, Rule Your Nation on this concept). She wanted the man in charge. She wanted the man who made the most money so that he could provide the lifestyle that she wanted.

However, Delilah had run out of options on how to meet such a man; that is until Samson came along and took her out to a business dinner. When Delilah met Jeff the Executive in Boston, she slipped him her phone number and address. When Delilah sent Samson home, it was because Jeff was coming over in thirty minutes. They had planned their rendezvous via text during the dinner. Delilah had already made arrangements to see Jeff again before she broke up with Samson. She never flew out to Seattle. She flew straight to Chicago to spend the weekend at Jeff’s condo in the Gold Coast. Eventually, Jeff used his connections to get Delilah a job at a Fortune 500 company in Chicago, and she moved in with him. Delilah practically forgot about Samson until she spotted him at the bar that night in River North; an hour after Jeff proposed for her hand in marriage at a lavish restaurant down the street. She ignored Samson until she and Jeff went home, hoping to never cross paths with him again. Samson was nothing more than a stepping stone to her, and she had no intention on looking back.

Delilah was a social climber, and we’ve all met at least one. If you are in Samson’s position, you cannot hate all women. You cannot say “these hoes ain’t loyal.” The truth is that most women are not social climbers, and they’re especially not as brutal as Delilah. However, everyone is loyal to something. Delilah was fiercely loyal. She just wasn’t loyal to Samson. She was loyal to her goal to meet a rich man, and she achieved it; albeit by dishonest means. Samson was unable to see her true intentions, and in the end, he got burned.

Whenever I hear the phrase “these hoes ain’t loyal,” I’m usually not hearing a man who views women as inferior. I’m hearing the bitter, jaded call of a man who has been hurt by the realization that his expectations of certain women were not realistic. Since he never learned to screen the women he dated, he now applies a blanket standard to all of them. It’s the age-old story of the jaded womanizer that you might read about in books and watch in romantic comedies. However, in real life, Samson is not always a player. He’s often the one who gets played.

What a lot of men like Samson fail to realize is that everyone is loyal to what they love. Samson made the mistake of trusting a woman before she had proven her love to him. As a result, he found out the hard way that she never had any feelings for him at all. Jeff the Executive will learn the same hard lesson about Delilah, but he will learn it two years into their marriage. He will learn it when he checks his bank account and finds abnormal transactions at hotels across the city. When he hires a private investigator, he will find out that Delilah cheats on him every time he leaves town on business. She is sleeping with her personal trainer; the one that Jeff the Executive hired for her. Delilah is not loyal to Jeff either.

Since Jeff was at least smart enough to get a prenup, he will change the locks to his condo and deliver divorce papers to her work mailbox the moment he gets back to Chicago. Delilah will be infuriated. Delilah will fight for alimony. Delilah will lose and move out to her own place in Lincoln Park while she searches for another rich executive. Every man Delilah meets will eventually learn that Delilah will never love any man. The love of her life is cash money, and they will never part through sickness and in health.

Chicago’s a big city with the gossip of a small town. Word will spread about Delilah, and all of the men she meets will treat her the same way. They will throw her a little cash, sleep with her, and leave her before she gets her claws in them. Eventually, Delilah will end up single and sitting at a bar on a Friday night until she meets another rich guy and the cycle starts all over again. To this day, she complains to her girlfriends that all men only want one thing and that they’re all pigs.

Delilah fails to realize that none of these men are willing to commit to her because they know she will never commit to them. She’s not frustrated with men because they treat her wrong; even if they certainly do. She is frustrated because they no longer give her what she wants, and she’s too self-centered to see the error of her ways. Delilah hasn’t learned how to love a man for who he is. Therefore, no man can bring himself to love her. Her story reminds me of an old Drake verse where he says:

“I don’t judge her, I don’t judge her, but I could never love her.

Cause to her I’m just a rapper and soon she’ll have met another.”

Drake’s not talking about “hoes” in this verse, nor is he putting down all of the women of the world. He’s talking about Delilah. She is the kind of woman who uses sex as a means to an end instead of an enjoyable experience between two people. She objectifies men by reducing them to their wallets. However, when her target figures out her game, he runs for the hills; as he should. Delilah then gets angry when her tricks no longer work in her favor and accuses men of only wanting her for sex; the very tool she previously used to get her way.

Every man has met his Delilah. In high school, she breaks up with her boyfriend to chase after the guy with the nice car; only to complain when the guy with the car stops driving her everywhere. In college, she flakes out on a date to get a ride on the rich kid’s plane; only to cry when he leaves her behind at the airport. She’s the first year law student who dates a 3L to get his outlines and forgets about him once finals are over; but throws a fit when that guy gets a good job and deletes her phone number. The Delilahs of the world are scrambling for a way to get to the top. They will use any means to climb onto your shoulders to get there, and any man they can’t use is a jerk. Women in general are not this selfish, and thus they are not the problem. Delilahs are this selfish and are a huge problem, and men should learn the difference before we spout phrases like “these hoes ain’t loyal.”

Do not let Delilah bring you down. Samson didn’t. After a few months of bartending, he moved into his own place in Uptown. He then started dating Jennifer, the head chef at the bar. Jennifer was a gorgeous, brown-skinned, tall woman who got hit on by men every day she left her Lakeview apartment. Unlike Delilah, she had plenty of options; some of them with large bank accounts. However, she liked Samson. She liked how he treated her. She liked how he stood up for her when a customer got unruly. She liked how he was often the first person to work on his shift and the last person to leave. Jennifer even liked how Samson treated customers and coworkers alike with respect. His confidence, positive attitude, and coolness under pressure won her over long before he asked her out on their first date; burgers and fries at the local diner.

While they were together, Samson and Jennifer were always laughing and trading stories. After their shift, they danced at the nightclub across the street before Jennifer drove Samson home. After a few months, they pooled their money and got their own place together. They rented a one-bedroom in Logan Square and split the bills. Delilah would have scoffed at such an arrangement.

After another year together, Samson and Jennifer figured out that they made one hell of a team. They knew they could trust each other through thick and thin. So they put their heads together, and with Samson’s knowledge of the law, and Jennifer’s knowledge of the culinary arts, they started their own catering business. After a few years, they served businesses, weddings, and birthday parties all over the Chicagoland area and made enough money to buy a house in River East. When they went out to the bar where they first met to celebrate their three-year anniversary, Samson asked for Jennifer’s hand in marriage. Samson’s old friend, the bouncer, who was now the Director of Operations, was the best man at the wedding. He no longer says that “these hoes ain’t loyal.” Samson and Jennifer prove him wrong every day of their happy lives.

If you’re like Samson, you probably pass by your Jennifer every day. She often sits right next to Delilah on the bus on her way to work and stands next to Jeff on the train on the way home. You will not be able to tell the difference between any of them without getting to know people and judging them on a case-by-case basis. Never believe people when they say “these hoes ain’t loyal.” It’s a blanket statement and a double-edged sword that protects you from Delilah but alienates Jennifer. It sacrifices happiness to avoid pain, and that’s no way to live.

The truth is that everyone is loyal to who and what they love. So I propose a different approach. Instead of calling women “hoes,” let’s be a little more selective about our partners. Let’s figure out what we want and look for in a woman, and when we meet women and date them, let’s figure out what they want from us. You will find that it changes from woman to woman. Unless you want to be a stepping stone or a living bank account, don’t get mixed up with a Delilah. Be loyal to yourself, and find a Jennifer who is loyal to you. She will deserve your loyalty in return.

Stay loyal, people.

No Apologies,
G. Miller©

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Cobalt TiNor says:

    I really like your writing man, keep it up.

    1. G.Miller says:

      Thanks, man. Much appreciated.

  2. Chamone Monet says:

    Another great piece Grant! Very well written and definitely worth reading. I like how you looked at this from both perspectives- a mans and a womans. I would agree, this phrase is used all too often and is a generalization of a particular group of individuals that don’t represent the entire female population. Unfortunately, the Delilah’s of today are in the spotlight, almost glorified, making it that much harder for men to trust or be loyal to “Jennifer” when they meet her…but l also agree, there are plenty of Jennifer’s out there as well as great men like Sampson.

    1. G.Miller says:

      Thanks. You pretty encapsulated the point of the entire piece. I think these generalizations happen on both ends from lack of communication from both genders. The clarification I’ve made in this piece is implied to most men, but seldom communicated to women; thus we have disagreement. However, if we expose Delilah and differentiate her from other women, we won’t alienate the Jennifers out there.

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