The Jerk v.s. The Strong Man: Which will you be?

Women like jerks. Act like you don’t care, and they’ll run to you. Treat her like dirt, and she’ll stick to you like mud (shout out to my homegirl Amanda for that one!). These are the phrases you hear when people tell you that women like bad boys, and far too many men subscribe to this mentality. I always cringe when I hear guys complain that women always like Jerks for a few reasons.

Stop Being a Baby!

Let’s be real. The complaining guy is usually being a baby. You didn’t get the girl you wanted, she went with someone else whom you happen to not like, even if you’re justified in not liking him, and now you say that women like Jerks. This has nothing to do with her choice in men. You’re just frustrated because she didn’t choose you. I’ve been there. It’s no fun. Get over it. Oh, and for God’s sake, don’t become a Jerk because you think that’s what it takes to meet women. I’ll explain why I’m saying that in a moment.

Don’t Be the Jerk. Be the Strong Man!

Still, there are some women who genuinely do like Jerks. I’ve heard women describe, with a smiles on their faces, a man who was testy and hot-tempered. I’ve seen women giggle with delight at the mention of a man fighting someone. I’ve even seen some women try to get me to compete over them with another man (i.e.: “You know, Jon’s coming over too.”). Usually the other guy falls for it, and tries to cut me down and talk over me while she waits for my response with a wide smile on her face. Once I figure out what’s going on, I just walk away; much to the chagrin of the woman who tried to get us to butt heads over her as if we were her pet Billie goats. She is clearly trying to manipulate a desired reaction out of me, and I won’t give it to her. She’s looking for a weak Jerk who needs to clamber over another man’s shoulders to get a date, and she’s not going to find one here.

Ever wondered how you look when you compete for a woman? Yep. Sexy.

Before we get into why some women like Jerks, and why some don’t, I’ll describe the Jerk. Popular culture tells you that women like the Jerk because he’s the alpha male. Aside from the ineffectiveness behind “alpha male” culture in general (refer to my previous post “Rule Your Nation”), giving this designation to a Jerk is inaccurate. The Jerk is not a leader. He is callous, cruel, rude, selfish, controlling, dishonest, and manipulative. When he sees a girl he likes, whom you happen to be talking to, he tries to push you out of the way by talking over you, trying to get you to do what he says, and even standing between you and her. I once watched a guy literally surround a woman I was talking to with a group of his friends and then escort her to class just to make sure she only spoke to him.

Yes, you read that correctly, and I hope you laughed as hard as I did when I wrote it.

The Jerk thinks that the world revolves around him, and anyone who thinks differently is guilty of blasphemy; or just makes him insecure. This doesn’t stop at women and relationships. If the Jerk wants your position at work, he’s coming after you. Instead of working hard and moving up, he resorts to sabotage and manipulation. He will talk behind your back and try to get everyone on his side as he moves to isolate you with rumors and false allegations. If he succeeds, you’re packing your stuff. If he fails, you now have to watch your back every day as you look for a new job.

If you disagree with the Jerk, or do the slightest thing he doesn’t like, well, that’s just unacceptable. He will challenge you to a fight for the following reasons: you looked at his girlfriend, you rooted for the other team during a basketball game, or you spilled ketchup on his shoes. Does that sound ridiculous? Yes. Does it also sound familiar? It should. Everyone has met a Jerk, or even been one at some point in our lives. He’s not a good person to meet or emulate, and if you are still a Jerk, I pity you. You can change, and I recommend that you do.

What do women see in Jerks?

So why would a woman like this kind of man? The answer is surprisingly simple. She is looking for a Strong Man, and she thinks that she has found him. Why shouldn’t she? The Jerk certainly seems strong at first glance. He looks out for himself. He is willing to fight for what he wants. He is willing to compete for her; which OF COURSE means he must really love and value her. In her eyes, the Jerk is a confident go-getter and protector in a dangerous world. What woman wouldn’t want that?

Of course, that perception screeches to a halt when the Jerk’s aggressive, controlling nature turns on her. Her admiration stops when he insists on driving her everywhere she goes, answers her phone calls for her, and demands that she change her clothes before a date if they’re not to his liking. Her admiration ceases when he puffs up and gets territorial (a.k.a insecure) every time she talks to another guy; even if he’s a friend of hers. She then realizes that the Jerk wasn’t competing over her because he liked her. He was competing because he wanted to win, and she is now his prized possession; which really means that she is an object that he owns.

It’s around this point in the relationship that the woman dating The Jerk realizes that she might have made a mistake. She realizes that his strength doesn’t really protect. It actually causes her more problems than he is worth. Her appreciation for his strength weakens when he screams at a guy for looking at his girl; not her name, just “his girl”. Her appreciation for his strength decreases further when he gets into a fight at her favorite restaurant for the third time, and they’re not allowed back anymore. Her respect for him wanes when he meets his match and catches a beat down, and she now has to pick him up in the emergency room; because there is nothing sexier than a man who just got stomped out like a cigarette.

A Strong Man protects his girlfriend from a couple of Jerks.

While I’m on this subject, let me use the above clip to make this distinction. Fighting to protect your girlfriend is honorable and will definitely earn a woman’s love and admiration. Fighting out of jealousy, or to prove who has the bigger dick, is embarrassing and a quick way to lose her respect for you; doubly so if you lose. After she drops him off from the hospital, the woman breaks up with The Jerk (from a safe distance and usually via text), and starts to wonder where all the good guys are. Meanwhile, the good guys have long forgotten about her after labeling her as “the girl who dates jerks.” Sadly, her search for a Strong Man continues.

There are many reasons why the Jerk is, well, a Jerk. He might come from a family of Jerks. He might have been a nice person who grew up in an environment full of Jerks and turned into a Jerk because he felt that was the only way to gain respect. He might be a sociopath regardless of his environment. There are also many reasons why the woman dates the Jerk. She might be a Jerk herself, and they subsequently have a lot in common (Why does almost nobody think of this explanation?). She might have grown up in a family of Jerks, and it’s all she knows. Either way, this girl chose a Jerk over you because she equates the Jerk with strength. Logically, that means that she equates you with weakness.

Fortunately for you, she is wrong. You don’t have to be a Jerk to be strong, and real Strong People know that. In fact, being a Jerk is often a sign of weakness. I will illustrate a perfect example from my childhood. While I was in middle school there was a kid who sat in the back of the bus. We’ll call him Gary for now. Gary was older than the other kids, and he felt like that gave him the right to push other kids around. One day, he decided to throw rubber bands at people’s heads. Everyone got mad and told him to stop, but he didn’t listen. However, when he aimed his rubber band at a boy we’ll call Brandon, their conversation went as follows:

Brandon(with a calm voice): “Don’t put that in my face.”

Gary: “Or what?”

Brandon: “Or I’ll punch you in the face.”

Gary, being The Jerk that he was, flicked the rubber band right in Brandon’s face. Brandon promptly rose up and punched Gary so hard that his head bounced off the emergency door. When the bus driver eventually broke up the fight, Gary was bleeding and Brandon wasn’t. Brandon was the victor, and Gary’s embarrassment could have been avoided had he just left him alone. Gary remained in his seat in the back of the bus for the remainder of the school year, but he never bothered Brandon again. Being a Jerk to Brandon wasn’t worth the hassle.

Perhaps it’s because I grew up in New England where punks need not apply, but I’ve always seen this story play out. The Jerk acts like a Jerk, gets a girlfriend because he’s a Jerk, then the Jerk loses that girlfriend when someone gives him the business for being a Jerk. The strongest, toughest guys I knew growing up were almost never Jerks, but they had a knack for beating up Jerks, and it was usually in front of the girl that the Jerk was trying to impress. I learned from them that a real man doesn’t go out of his way to disrespect someone; not unless he wants to get slapped. The Jerk never seems to understand this, until you actually slap him.

Due to my slight build and laid back demeanor as a kid, I grew up the target of Jerks. As I got older, I learned that sometimes hitting the Jerk is the only way to get the message across to him that you are not to be trifled with. Politeness and respect doesn’t faze him. Reasoning with him draws laughter. Warnings are ignored. He only responds to a firm no followed with firmer action. I remember when a kid in high school literally grabbed my food during lunch and held it in his hands. I demanded it back. He then stuffed his face with the food that I paid for. I hit his face so hard that the rest of our table stopped eating. They then laughed at that Jerk for a good five minutes. He never touched my food, or sat at that table, ever again. When I worked as a bouncer, we once had a customer who was a Jerk and decided to shove one of the servers. When he pushed me, I shoved him by his throat, and my co-worker threw him out on the sidewalk. As far as I know, that Jerk never came back after that night. Jerks may appear intimidating to the faint of heart, but they’re usually nothing when you fight back.

Of course, Jerks aren’t always physically aggressive. I’ve encountered my fair share of Jerks at work and school who push for what they want without any regard for compromise. Obviously, it’s not a good idea to hit people in your adulthood, but you still have to stand up for yourself. So I say no. A lot. They are ALWAYS shocked when I say no. Then they push again. Then I say no again. This cycle continues until they learn that I cannot be moved. I don’t consider myself a Jerk, but when I’m dealing with a Jerk (male or female), I decide to be every bit as stubborn and mean about doing the right thing as they are about doing wrong. You will respect me, or you will get out of my face. Such strength in the face of adversity shocks the Jerk’s God complex. He usually has no clue how to handle it.

History is full of Strong People who are not Jerks, but I’ll use one of my favorite examples. Bruce Lee was not a Jerk, and he was as strong as they come. He was 5’7 and weighed no more than 170 lbs., but he could crack your chest with a punch or kick you across the room with his raw strength and flawless technique. Bruce wasn’t perfect, but you never hear anyone call him a Jerk or anything equivalent to it. You never hear about Bruce Lee disrespecting his wife. You never hear about Bruce Lee going out of his way to push people around; despite the fact that he could have gotten away with it. In fact, the most common stories you hear about Bruce Lee fighting anyone was when he was pestered into it by a Jerk looking to prove his manhood. In one instance, Bruce literally knocked the Jerk out with one good kick and walked out of the room like a father who had just finished spanking a child ; leaving him to think about what he had done.

That’s essentially what the Jerk amounts to; a child. Children only think of themselves. Children throw fits until you give them their way; or until they realize that they’ll never get their way. When a woman purposely dates a Jerk, it’s because she is very likely as childish as he is. Who you date often reflects how you view yourself, and she sees a Jerk as the best she can get. She confuses his childish temper tantrums with the roar of a Strong Man because she hasn’t heard the real thing before; not until the real thing stomps all over her Jerk boyfriend when he steps out of line. However, sometimes the stomping isn’t even required.

How to Handle a Jerk.

Strong Men never give the Jerk what he wants, even if it’s a fight.

Do you want to know how Strong Men respond to a Jerk? We actually don’t use violence unless we’re provoked. After all, only a fool goes around getting into senseless fights. We don’t even argue with him. Why waste your breath arguing with a child? Instead, we ignore him. I once had a guy challenge me to a fight after watching a basketball game at a sports bar. His team lost, and he didn’t like the fact that I was happy about it (I was actually happy that I had won a bet). So he commanded that I step outside so he could “kick my ass”. Did I step outside with him? Nope. Did I puff my chest, raise my chin, and use a deep commanding tone to proclaim that I was the stronger man? Nope. I ignored him. I grabbed the nearest woman and took her dancing. I then left the bar with that woman and bid him and his group of friends goodnight. He never threatened me again, and I didn’t have to raise a finger. When a Jerk tries to rain on your parade, violence is not always the answer. Living your life and having fun, despite his efforts to ruin your night, can hit just as hard as any punch. Never let a Jerk draw you into a fight that you don’t want with mere words alone. Doing so gives him way too much power over your life. Don’t give him that much respect. Nobody else with a good head on their shoulders would; especially women.

Strong Women don’t want Jerks. At all.

Strong Women are disgusted by Jerks. Can you find the Jerks in this clip? She did.

All women don’t date Jerks. In fact, Strong Women dismiss them every day. This is one of the many reasons Strong Women are so awesome. They don’t need a control freak Jerk who can “handle” them because they are perfectly capable of handling themselves. They’re not out looking for strength because they have plenty of it in spades, and they are only attracted to a man’s strength when it complements their own. The Strong Man possesses this kind of strength, and the Jerk always lacks it. When you’re a Strong Man, and you’re talking to a Strong Woman (as you should be), the Jerk tries to cock-block. Some people may tell you to stand in his way. They tell you to mark your territory like a real alpha male should.


If you buy into that, you’re thinking on the same low level as the Jerk. Strong Men recognize that women go where they please, not where you’ve forced them, and you’re certainly not going to force a Strong Woman to go anywhere. The truth is that if you have to compete for a woman’s attention, you’re talking to the wrong woman and should move on. Therefore, instead of competing with the Jerk, simply ignore him. If you’re talking to a Strong Woman who recognizes you as a Strong Man, she’ll brush him off so she can continue talking to you. For example, here’s what happened when a Jerk tried to cut in while I was talking to a Strong Woman:

Jerk: “Hey!”

Strong Woman (looking at me): “………”

Jerk: “Hey, why don’t you and I get out of here-”

Strong Woman: “Uh…..No.”

Jerk: “Yeah, we can head out and have a threesome!”

Strong Woman: “Ok! I really like threesomes….as long as they’re not with you.”

See what I mean? The Jerk walked away, and I got her phone number. His aggression didn’t help him because he wasn’t talking to a little girl who knew nothing about strength and would subject herself to trailing behind a Jerk. He was dealing with a Strong Woman. I grew up in a family full of Strong Men and Strong Women who taught me to be strong. I tend to attract Strong Women everywhere I go like bees to honey. They’re all different, and they have their strengths and weaknesses, but they all have one thing in common. Strong Women ALWAYS recognize a Strong Man. They recognize his passion for life, his respect for his fellow man, his zeal in the defense of his loved ones, and his tireless work ethic that brings him a strong mind, body, and spirit. She recognizes him as her equal, and she can pick him out of a crowd. A Strong Man makes her heart pump and her thighs quiver with desire. The sight of a Jerk upsets her stomach and draws bile from the bottom of her throat. For her sake and yours, be of the heart pumping, thigh quivering variety. That usually ends well.

So as I said earlier, if you see a woman dating a Jerk, and it upsets you, just get over it. She has made the choice that she has a right to make, and if he’s truly a Jerk, so be it. It’s not your problem, and you don’t have to save her from the choice she has made (unless she’s actually in physical danger). Be strong and stop being a baby about things you can’t control. The Jerk is a baby, and he tries to control everything. You’re better than him. Stand firm about being yourself and don’t compromise your beliefs because someone told you that being a Jerk is what it takes to get the girl. The truth is that being a Strong Man is what it takes to partner with a Strong Woman. Why you would settle for less than that is beyond me, but perhaps I’m biased. After all, I have no intention on being a Jerk or bothering with a woman who prefers one. Being myself and being comfortable with myself gets me by just fine, and it will do the same for you.

Be strong, my friends.

No Apologies,
G. Miller

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