The Sex Factor: Do you have what it takes to be Sexy?

Sexy for blog

Let’s talk about one of the hottest commodities in today’s culture.  Sexiness. It’s a trait that many people wish they possessed.  Sexiness is magnetic.  Sexiness is electrifying.  Sexiness is hot.  Nobody forgets you when you’re sexy. People tend to forget you when you’re not.  So what exactly is sexiness, and what does it take to be sexy?  Do you have what it takes? Are you sexy? In order to determine that, we must identify what makes someone sexy.  We must identify the sex factor.

Describing sexiness is not an easy task. Webster’s dictionary defines sexy as being sexually appealing, attractive or exciting; having interesting or appealing qualities. This is a bit vague. The media is no better.  Watch your average sitcom or music video, and you’ll see that they define sexiness as the perfect body, the perfect smile, the perfect image.  You have to wear the right make-up, the right dress, the right shirt, the right jeans, the right suit, and the list goes on.  As someone who has grown up in in this sexcentric culture, I still find the definition of sexiness to be a bit elusive. So to find out what makes someone sexy, I asked around.  I asked men what made a woman sexy.  I asked women what made a man sexy.  The results were not exactly what the media tells you, and they were certainly more specific than the dictionary.

What makes a man sexy?

First, I asked women what makes a man sexy.  Of course, they all had varied descriptions.  Some wanted a traditional male who takes charge, makes decisions for her, fixes the car, kills the bugs, gets dirty, and literally smells like hydraulic fluid.  Others wanted a man who had a sense of humor, acts like a complete goofball, and makes her laugh; one even stated that she wanted a man to invoke guttural laughter(now that’s a high standard!).   However, among all of these varied opinions, there was one common theme.  Every single woman who answered the question stated that she wanted a man who was himself; every last one of them.  It was like listening to a tape on repeat over and over.   To all of the women I spoke to, a man is not a real man unless he knows who he is, loves who he is, and is not afraid to show the world who he is.  He doesn’t change his beliefs based on his surroundings.  He’s not a crowd pleaser.  He’s honest with himself, and is subsequently honest with her.  I can sum this word up with one word.  Confidence.


Women swooned over Denzel Washington for years because of his supreme confidence in himself; confidence that enabled him to tackle the role of Malcolm X.

Confidence was the number one trait that made a man sexy.  None of the women mentioned money.  None of them wanted a particular career or salary.  Some of them had height requirements, but aside from that, none of them were specific about a man’s physical appearance.  There was no set requirement to wear certain clothes, have a certain pedigree, be of a certain race, or possess any of the traits that people will tell you reign supreme in dating. I’m not saying that none of these factors matter.  I’ve met women who only date men based on these criteria.  However, I’m finding that these women are in much smaller numbers than a lot of cynics would like to believe.  Also, the traits that the PUA community touts were nonexistent in their language.  There was no mention of a desire for a man of high social status.  One woman said that her boyfriend acted really silly, but everyone liked him; and that was as close to social proof as any of my conversations got.   Only one woman wanted a man to be dominant, and the rest made no mention of it.  Yet again, the Alpha Male Theory fails as a catch-all.

Confidence was the most common factor among women of different races, education levels, and socioeconomic backgrounds.  However, there were other common traits as well:  kindness, generosity, humility, and light-heartedness.  My conclusion is that most women want a man who is confident and fun to be around.  Undue aggression, anger, arrogance, and attempts to dominate those around them were actually discouraged; not praised.  In fact, those traits were huge turnoffs.


Watch the woman in the black dress. Which guy does she check out the most? 

With that being said, why do so many men try pick-up lines and PUA tactics?  Why do so many men compete with each other for a woman’s attention and try to be the Alpha male?  Why would you do these things in the face of such overwhelming evidence that it’s not attractive?  I’ll tell you why.  The men who use these approaches are not confident in themselves, despite their efforts to convince the world that they are.  They want to get the girl, or just get laid, and they’re doing whatever they’ve been taught will work.  I’ve had men tell me to do “whatever is necessary to get laid” no matter how ridiculous, degrading, or against my personal morals it might be.  I’ve had men give me step by step processes on how to take a woman home from a bar. If a technique exists, I’ve probably heard it, tried it, and failed.  When I stopped that nonsense and started being myself, my life improved; including my interactions with women.  It was then that I realized that manipulative, selfish jerks need not apply.  My budding self-confidence would no longer allow me to be such a person or tolerate the presence of one. When I tell these guys this, they don’t buy it.  They stick to the same old story, and buck the theory that being yourself is enough.  They’re not concerned about being themselves and meeting the right woman for them; even if she’s just the right woman for tonight(some women like to hook-up too).  They’re falling for the lie that a real man must attract all women, and he can only attract them by exhibiting a set number of traits.  Gentlemen, I just spoke to a group of women who say different. Smarten up and be yourselves.  Stop trying to look confident and start being confident.  Otherwise, you’ll often fail at the goal that your act was supposed to help you attain, and subsequently lose the respect of women and men alike.


A hilarious example of what happens to guys who try to be “Alpha”.

What makes a woman sexy?

Next, I asked men what made a woman sexy.  Wouldn’t you know it, a lot of the men said the same things as well:  confidence, a sense of humor, independence, uniqueness, ownership of self.  Despite what the media throws down women’s throats every day, very few men actually mentioned a physical requirement. I’m not saying that physical appearance doesn’t matter.  I would find it hard to believe that it didn’t for either sex.  However, the men I questioned never expressed actually valuing a woman based on her looks alone.  As a straight male, this doesn’t surprise me.  I’ve met numerous pretty women.  Chicago is chock full of them.  However, pretty women seldom hold my attention.  Sexy women always keep it, and the sexiest women aren’t always the prettiest.  However, they are always confident; confident enough to approach the men they like, confident enough to show clear interest or reciprocate it, confident enough to speak their mind.  Confidence in a woman doesn’t necessarily guarantee success, but I’ve found that a lack of confidence is certain to result in failure.


I bet a lot of men found this speech attractive, and it wasn’t because of her bikini body.

Yet again, what the media tells women fails them, and what some women say men want doesn’t even come close.  None of the men placed any value on being a challenge or playing hard to get.  None of them mentioned “liking the chase.”  None of them praised “The Rules”. These approaches are no different than Alpha Male Theory and every bit as destructive.  It seems that women use them for the same reason that men try their own preset tactics and techniques; lack of confidence in themselves.  When a woman plays games with an expected result, she does it because she thinks that’s what it takes to get the man; or at least get the man to chase her.  She is oblivious to what the confident women I’ve met know very well.  Most men don’t want to chase the woman of their dreams.  They want to meet and build something great with her, and that’s impossible to do when she keeps avoiding him. Most men don’t want sex more if they have to wait for it.  They want a partner who wants them in return. The only reason a man bothers to chase a woman is because he thinks he has to, and his confidence is probably as low as the woman who is playing the games in the first place.  Confident women never need games to keep a man’s attention because they know that their presence and personality is enough, and the men they meet, date, and sleep with know it too.  Ladies, be yourselves and love yourselves.  You’ll find that a lot of men will like that in you.


Exhibit A: No games here.

Confidence is the Key

So how does one become confident?  The road to self-confidence is not the same for everyone, but it always requires knowing yourself better than anyone else.  In life, people will try to tell you who you are.  They’ll try to tell you that you’re not pretty enough, skinny enough, muscular enough, rich enough.  They’ll try to tell you that your race, gender, sexual orientation, and economic background prevents you from being whatever you want to be and having what you want to have.  True confidence requires shutting these voices out no matter how much evidence they produce; even if it feels unrealistic at the time.  True confidence understands that these voices bear no reflection on you.  They are mere projections of the insecure, and people of low confidence always want someone to be as low as them.  They are also tactics of the controlling and sociopathic.  People of this nature need to sap your confidence in order to gain an advantage over you, and they won’t rest until they gain that advantage; or realize that they never will and move on to another victim.  They are also the mantra of followers who have fallen victim to these tactics and projections and who lack the confidence and fortitude to see past what they are told.  True confidence requires that you rise above all of this and know that you have what it takes to live the life you want to live.


This speech literally describes the journey  to self-confidence and the results that confidence bears. 

In the dating context, confidence requires that you approach someone you find attractive, even when someone tells you that he/she is “out of your league”; a concept with literally no factual basis other than the negative criticisms of others. True confidence requires asking out someone you like; or saying yes when that person asks you.  Games and tests may give the appearance of being in control, but it’s a farce. The truth is if you’re purposely impeding the progress of the relationship, you’re just half-stepping and holding the other person back.  Confident people never half-step in life, and if necessary, they will leave you behind if you do.  True confidence requires the willingness to walk away from someone who tries to disrespect or abuse you.  I cannot count how many women I’ve approached and dated who went out of their way to be mean-spirited, controlling, and sometimes abusive all because they thought that men were supposed to put up with it. Walking away from them always shocked them.  Finding someone else infuriated them.  Both actions made me feel victorious.  I cannot count how many women I’ve seen date men who talk down to them, leave them behind when they walk down the street(my pet peeve!), and flirt with other women in front of them all because they thought women were supposed to put up with it.  They were always surprised when their women left them; angered when they found someone else. Meanwhile, my respect for those women skyrocketed.  Confidence requires creating and knowing your own self-worth, getting what you deserve, and rejecting anything less.  Such self-assuredness is the epitome of sexiness.  I have yet to meet anyone who says otherwise.

Project Yourself, Not an Image

I need no further evidence that the most attractive traits in a person are confidence and being yourself, but I can guess what the cynics will say.  They’ll say that they went out and dominated and got the girl.  They’ll say that they played games and got the guy.  I preempt this response by saying that we have a problem in our dating culture that tells us to focus on the goal instead of focusing on the person; regardless of whether the experience you have with that person is a positive one.   The truth is when you play games, or use tactics and techniques, you’re portraying an image that is not you.  Therefore, you never got anything.  Your image did, and when that image fades, what’s next? All of my respondents have told me that they don’t want an image.  They want the confident you, and when you’re being yourself, you’ll get more than the guy/girl.  You’ll get a positive relationship that improves your life instead of a string of empty ones. At this point, it’s all about whether you’re willing to strive for the best or settle for less, and cynicism is the mating call of a settler. In case you haven’t noticed yet, confident people are never cynical.  They maintain their positivity, live a positive life, and have positive relationships.

So ladies and gentlemen, do you have what it takes to be sexy? Are you confident enough to be yourself and live your life the way you want to live it?  Are you confident enough to share that life with someone else?   Do you possess the uniqueness, kindness, generosity, and sense of humor to be sexy, or will you always play the same games and fall for the same lines for the rest of your life?  Are you confident enough to stop selling yourself short and start loving who you are? If so, I congratulate you.  You have the sex factor.  You are sexy. You exude sex, and I get the feeling that you’ll be having a lot of it with someone just as sexy as you very soon; if you aren’t already. If not, well, at least you now know what to work on.  Just know that everyone has what it takes to be sexy.  Everything that you will ever need is looking back at you in the mirror.  The first step to being sexy is to never let anyone tell you anything different.

Stay sexy, my friends.

No Apologies,

G.Miller

p.s. What do you find sexy? Share your thoughts on this post. Otherwise, stay tuned for next week when I discuss creepiness!

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