Creepy and Crazy: Code Words for a Lack of Connection

Nothing stops the creeper; except for reality.

I’m sure that you have heard the word creepy in the dating context.  It is often used to describe a man who makes women uncomfortable in his efforts to garner their attention. However, in response to a recent use of that word to describe men, I decided to dive deeper.  What makes a man creepy? Can a woman be creepy in the same context? What behaviors can either of them exhibit in order to be labelled as creepy? Well, I asked around, and I thank those who answered honestly.  Your help is greatly appreciated.  Now that the credit has been given to those who deserve it, I’ll address the issue at hand.

What makes a Man Creepy?

The sad part is this kind of conversation isn’t all that uncommon.

When asked what makes a man creepy, most women had no problem vocalizing their experiences.  Creepy men invade a woman’s space, touch her without any indication that she wants to be touched, or make sexual innuendos before establishing a proper comfort level.  They also call or text constantly, Facebook stalk without actually being on her friends list or even sending a friend request, and generally know much more about the woman than she’s actually shared with him. Some even send pictures of their genitalia or ask for nudes.  The most extreme case involved a man sending a woman a collage of herself.

Yep. A collage. As in pictures. Of her.

The creepy man’s actions indicate that he has already claimed her without actually asking her if she wants to be claimed.  Because he has claimed her, he expects her to accept it when he disregards the boundaries that she would normally hold for a stranger.  His ignorance of social cues and lack of understanding of body language causes him to express his intentions in a way that makes her uncomfortable.  Some men are also creepy because they are dishonest about their intentions, and women can often see right through it.  As one female respondent stated, if she cannot trust him, he is creepy in her eyes.  The creepy man is most likely behaving in this manner because he’s more focused on what he wants from the woman and less focused on what she wants or is comfortable giving at the time.  He is controlling, selfish, and manipulative, and any woman with sharp enough instincts will protect herself and avoid him.

What makes a Woman Creepy?

Sadly, this is not all that uncommon either.

Men were then asked if a woman could be creepy.  A few men said yes, and they proceeded to describe a creepy woman as one who makes future plans on the first date,  competes with every woman for attention(even the man’s mother), calls and texts constantly, won’t take no for an answer, calls the man’s parents without his knowledge, or finds his address without him giving it to her. There were  a couple of cases where women professed that God had called them to be together; despite the fact that one man had no interest in her and the other was already  taken.  Men described the creepy woman as annoying, paranoid, and stalkerish.   She is also controlling, selfish, and manipulative, and she only cares about her wants and needs without any consideration for anyone else. She has claimed the man without asking him if he wants to be claimed.  Any man with sharp enough instincts will protect himself and avoid her as well.

“My dude, She was Crazy!”

Not many men would call this woman creepy.  Crazy however…..

The similarity between a creepy man and a creepy woman is striking.   Still, there is a big difference in how they are perceived.  No woman who answered the question posed had a problem describing a creepy man.  Some men did not describe women as creepy; no matter how typically “creepy” their behavior.   However, when asked if they would call a woman “crazy”, they agreed and then described the aforementioned creepy conduct.  As one of the male respondents suggested, the men who women call creepy, and the women who men call crazy, possess the same personality traits and exhibit the same behavior.  They are both so hell bent on getting what they want from you that they will disregard your boundaries to get it, and they will even get aggressive in their efforts to force you to comply with how they believe you should respond to them.  Does this sound familiar to anyone?

A lot of men are more likely to call a woman crazy than creepy.  I know I’ve been guilty of it, and I was describing women who exhibited controlling, possessive behavior such as: telling me to shut my phone off at a certain time unless she, and only she, calls me, refusing a date but getting angry when I move on or talk to another woman, or even slapping me when she didn’t get what she wanted.  Still, I never used the word creepy. The notion of applying such a word to a woman didn’t even cross my mind. I called these women crazy as if they could not control themselves; instead of accepting that they were using aggressive tactics in their attempts to control me.

Despite exhibiting the same behavior, men and women are placed in different categories.  The man is a  conniving villain who is looking to use you and drop you, but the woman is apparently mentally or emotionally ill, and thus not responsible for her behavior.  Calling someone creepy puts people on high alert.  Calling someone crazy is dismissive.  Since these traits are not gender specific, these explanations should be applied to both genders. Some men act the way they do because they are emotionally imbalanced, and so do some women.  Some men are looking to use you and leave you, and so are some women.  Meanwhile, anyone else in between who just has no clue how to strike up a conversation and get a date is stuck in the crossfire of being labelled crazy or creepy.

Connection is the Key.

Dude…..abort mission. Come on, she was nice about it.

So are these intentions and behaviors in themselves worthy of the crazy/creepy label? Yes and no. There is nothing wrong with sexual desire and finding someone sexually attractive. However, if someone doesn’t want to sleep with you, then pushing for sex is wrong. There is nothing wrong with wanting to hear someone’s voice if you have strong feelings for that person. Still, if someone isn’t comfortable with constant phone calls, then relentlessly calling that person is wrong.  Such a disrespect for boundaries is indicative of selfishness and a lack of self-control.  It’s also indicative of a lack of connection between both parties.  Ask anyone who has had a one-night stand; in that moment, they had no problem with the other party wanting sex.  Ask anyone who is in a long-term, committed relationship or married.  They seldom have a problem with touching and sexual innuendos from their partners. Some of them wish their partners would do that more often.  The truth is that if two people’s intentions and goals match, great things happen.  When they don’t, and you try to force the issue, you are a crazy creeper.

Stop Being a Crazy Creeper!

What is the solution to this problem? First, we must realize that these names are not always applied accurately.  Surely, every man who is called creepy is not an evil womanizer bent on using a woman’s body and leaving her when he’s done.  Every woman who is called crazy, is not a possessive control freak.  Sometimes people come on too strong because they are socially inept, and when they are called creepy or crazy, they are hurt and confused because their intentions were harmless.  Sometimes people are labelled creepy or crazy by rejected suitors who try to sully their reputation in an effort to get back at them.  There are also people who go around calling others crazy or creepy because bragging about “stalkers” feeds their insecure ego.  In fact, during the research for this article, there were women who called me creepy just for asking them to describe a creepy man; despite the fact that I made no attempt to hit on them.  Like most labels, these words can be used for the wrong reasons.  With that in mind, we cannot control everyone around us, but we can control ourselves by focusing our efforts on meeting people who want and desire the same relationships that we do.  That is not an easy task, but there are three questions that you must ask in an effort to find that person:

What are your Intentions?

Now here’s something you don’t see very often.

Be honest with yourself.  What do you want?  Got it? Good. Now turn around and be honest with the other person.  Playing mind games and using subversive tactics and techniques serves only to create toxicity in your everyday interactions.  Lying to yourself and those around you is obviously not healthy, and it’s the calling card of a creepy person.  If you expect to live a real life, and have real relationships, you must be real with the people around you; especially if you intend on having an intimate relationship or even just an intimate evening.

What are the Other Person’s Intentions?

Few things are sexier than someone who respects your comfort level.

If you have a good idea of what the other person wants, this also requires being honest with yourself.  Are you comfortable engaging him? Are you comfortable giving her what she wants?  Do you want to hook-up with her?  Do you want a relationship with him? Does he or she want either of these things in return?  If your answer is no, then you must cut it short as soon as feasibly possible. Leading people on for the sake of attention is childish. Ignoring someone’s evasive behavior, or outright pleas for space, is inconsiderate and selfish.  Life isn’t just about what you want.  You have to consider the other person, or else you will be avoided; and deservedly so.

Do you Respect Yourself Enough to Walk Away?

 

Watch the movie.  There was a clear disconnect here.

If your intentions don’t match, and it is obvious that the two of you have no connection, do you respect yourself enough to walk away?  Perhaps it’s a residual byproduct of the traditional “No means Yes” philosophy, or the belief that all women require a man to be persistent, but there are still a lot of men who don’t take no for an answer.  It shows a lack of respect for her boundaries, but it also shows a lack of respect for yourself.  What could possibly possess you to chase someone who has shown no interest in you?  If she’s not feeling you, leave her alone. You shouldn’t bother with someone who doesn’t reciprocate your interest.  It’s that simple, and making it more complicated than that will earn you the creepy label.

Perhaps it’s because of social pressure to have a man with certain traits, but I’ve also seen a fair share of women who will chase a man who cares nothing about her.  If he doesn’t like or respect you, turn around and leave.  You don’t need him.  Respect yourself, and stop chasing someone who ignores you. Regardless of gender, when you exhibit this behavior, all you are doing is settling for less than what you deserve; someone who appreciates you for who you are and wants the same relationship that you want.   If that’s not crazy, I don’t know what is.

Creepy. Crazy.  Both of these monikers describe the same problem.  If you’ve been called either of these names, it is possible that you are exhibiting behavior that tells the other person that you are only interested in what you want and nothing else.  It would behoove you to examine yourself and your intentions in relation to the people around you and find someone whose goals in life and relationships match your own.  Only then will you find a fulfilling connection with someone, and you cannot force it to happen.  If you think you can, then you are welcome to try.  Just don’t complain when someone calls you a crazy creeper when you do.  You have been warned.

Stay connected, my friends.

No Apologies,
G. Miller

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