Dating Jerks: It’s not just for women.

This piece offers no theory for why women date jerks. It won’t propose that women like a challenge, like to change a man, or have been conditioned to believe that if a man is cruel then he must like her. These are all old theories that change little regardless of how often we rehash them.

Instead, this piece poses a question for the nice guys who complain about women who ignore them and date jerks instead.

Have you considered the possibility that you like jerks too?

Let’s use the age-old story. Boy likes girl. Boy does everything in his power to attract girl’s favor, but girl shuts him down in an embarrassing fashion every time. When boy asks girl out, girl agrees to a date and stands the boy up. When boy buys girl a gift, girl throws it out and laughs at him. Girl then dates the jerk and calls the boy for emotional support when it doesn’t work.

Conventional dating advice says, “That’s all right. Girls just like jerks.” This is problematic. It sends the message to the otherwise friendly, respectful man with good intentions that he must be a jerk to get the woman he wants. He is told he must be selfish, manipulative and cold for women to find him attractive when in reality everyone likes something different. Some women like bad guys. Some don’t. Generalizations lead us nowhere.

I propose a different theory. If you’re a nice guy and women keep steamrolling you on their way to dating someone else, then it’s highly possible that you are just as self-destructive in your dating decisions as the women you complain about.

If you keep chasing women who take you for granted and disrespect your time on purpose because they feel entitled to do so, then at some point you only have yourself to blame. If you keep talking to women who speak to you with condescension and disdain, then you only have yourself to blame.  A woman who mistreats you doesn’t just like jerks. She is a jerk, and you should’ve walked away from her by now.  It’s not your fault she’s a jerk, but sticking around for disrespect falls on you.

Just like the woman you just watched pursue the bad guy, you have a choice. You don’t have to give a woman the time of day if she doesn’t give you any.  You don’t have to waste your time on someone who doesn’t reciprocate your effort. You have a choice to walk away and free yourself up for a someone who does.

Women who like kind-hearted gentlemen are out there, and they love men who make it their personal mission to please their women mentally, spiritually, and physically. Women who want men who bring them happiness instead of tears, and refuse to settle for anything less, live all around us.

You just haven’t noticed because you’re busy chasing jerks who see no value in you outside of their own selfish desires. The more you complain instead of just dusting off your shoulders and moving on to a happier life without them, the less energy you will have to invest in someone worthy of your effort.

Just like the women who date bad boys, you might have deep-seeded reasons for dating bad girls. Maybe your mother abused your father, so you think it’s normal for your girlfriend to punch you during an argument. Perhaps you were taught that if a girl mistreats you she must like you, so when she curses you out in public, you think it’s because she really cares about your relationship. Or maybe you’re just so naïve you confuse the friend zone with an actual friendship.

There is a plethora of theories on why we all make poor dating decisions, but we’re all responsible for our mishaps. The first step to correcting a mistake is realizing you’re making one. That principle doesn’t apply to only women. It’s time we took some responsibility too.

Leave the jerks alone, my friends.

No Apologies,

G. Miller


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